“They’re here!”  Cheri’s called through the house as she raced to the car.  “I’m so glad you came!  Here, let me take some of those!”  To her brother, she sent an irritated look.  “You need a real car bro!  She shouldn’t have to ride all the way out here smothered in packages!”

“Actually, they kept the hot air off of my face.  I get so sick with that.”

“I didn’t know that.  Why didn’t you say something?”

“Well, she began, “My mother taught me it was rude to complain.”

Cheri carried the packages as she led the way into the house.  Chad waited until she’d disappeared through the doorway and leaned down to whisper, “Another reason to get married.  It’s not complaining when you’re sharing a preference with a husband.”

“That’s just semantics and you know it.  One day it’s ’sharing’ and the next it’s nagging.  I’ve read too many books with harpies for wives.  No thanks.”

“Hey, come on in you two!  It’s freezing out here.”

Chad and Willow stared at each other before dissolving into laughter.  Kissing Marianne’s cheek as she passed by under the mistletoe, Willow said, “Thanks for having me Midge.”

“Midge?”

Chad followed kissing his mother’s cheek and glancing around the room as he did.  Perhaps strategic placement of mistletoe would help melt the fearful icicles around her heart.  “While You Were Sleeping.  You’ve been watching it again.”

Once she shut the door behind her, Marianne hugged her son. “Merry Christmas.”

“Happy New Year mom.  Oh and,” he leaned closer whispering, “I talked to Willow about dad’s suggestion on marriage.  Maybe you or Aunt Libby-”

“Not interested?”

“More like terrified.”

“I’ll hand her over to Libby then.  She’s better with firm and compassionate.  I seem limited to one or the other.”

The sound of laughter from the living room send Chad and his mother looking to see what was so amusing.  Willow sat blushing on the couch and Christopher looked smug. “Got her.  She was watching doorways but missed the ceiling fan.”

“Good one dad!”

“I think Willow looks exhausted.”

“It’s been a long week,” she admitted blushing further.

Christopher’s eyes shot to Chad’s face while Cheri bustled Willow the stairs and into the guest room.  “Chad?”

He shook his head holding up one finger until Willow reappeared to brush her teeth and then finally closed the bedroom door behind her.  “There was the thing with the dog, the thing with the money, and she’s still upset about the idea of marriage.”

Marianne joined them with a tray of hot chocolate and cookies.  “So you asked her, told her, got an opinion, what?”

“I told her what dad said about playing house-”

“I was a little harsh, I admit.”

Shaking his head, Chad continued.  “No dad, you were right.  I was really mad that day.  See, part of it is that you don’t know how things are and it was just too easy to rest on that fact instead of seriously consider your concerns.”  He swallowed.  “I had myself convinced until I realized that I left my deodorant at her house and decided to leave it there for when I needed it.”

“With all the work you do there, that makes sense though, Chad!”  Christopher didn’t understand his son’s logic.

“But I felt perfectly comfortable just doing it without a second thought.  I didn’t have a reason in mind outside the fact that I’m there.  A lot.  And I’ve been there every night this week.”

“I’d hope so.”  Marianne didn’t want to ask the question but someone had to be willing to ask the difficult things.  “You were in separate rooms…”

“Yes mom.”

Snuggled together on one corner of the couch, Chad saw a picture of him and Willow twenty years in the future with the possible exception of Willow’s size.  He couldn’t imagine a chubby Willow.  Finally, Marianne’s voice broke the awkward silence that had begun to grow.  “You really aren’t in love with her, are you?”

“No, mom.  I’m not.”

“Why not!  She’s a beautiful, intelligent, very well shaped woman!  She has everything going for her, you enjoy her company-”

“And he spent the first several months of his time with her resenting her,” Christopher added.  “I think he’s just letting himself see her as a friend and still holding her aloof for whatever reason.”

Chad hadn’t admitted it to anyone let alone himself but his father was correct.  “It’s the end of my dream.  It’s selfish and despicable but it’s true.”

“What dream Chaddie?”  Marianne couldn’t stand to hear the pain in her son’s voice.

He felt like a heel.  It sounded selfish and immature but as much as he’d embraced the changes in his future, they also represented the death of his childhood dreams.  “Ever since I can remember I wanted to be a cop on the streets of Rockland.  I wanted to be one of those guys busting gangs in the inner city or negotiating hostage situations.”  His head dropped into his hands.  “As much as I want a life in Fairbury and with Willow, that life means there’s no chance for the life I’ve worked toward for so long.”

Marianne started to rise and go to her son but Christopher jerked her back to her seat.  “In other words Chad, you won’t let yourself fall in love with the perfect woman for you because you are throwing a tantrum over what you can’t have.  You can have it all except something that strokes your pride but that’s not enough.  You want the house in the country with the fishing stream, the gorgeous wife, and the respect of your community, oh, and a high profile job in the city.  All at once.”

“I know.  I said it’s despicable.”

“It is.  It’s understandable,” Christopher conceded, “But it’s selfish.”

His fists clenched tightly as he struggled.  In a feminine burst of intuition, Marianne stood, shoved her husband’s restraining hands away, and sank to the floor at Chad’s feet.  “That’s not it Chaddie.  It’s a lie.  You’re lying to yourself out of some misplaced self-preservation.”

“But-”

She grasped her son’s face in her hands and held it gazing into his eyes.  “It’s a risk to open your heart.  You’re right.  She may never reciprocate your affection.  You happened to choose a girl who has reason to both be leery of men and not see any benefits to marriage.  Love is a risk as well as an action.  It’s rolling the dice on the craps tables over and over and over until you finally get the right numbers even if it bankrupts you in the process.”

“Marianne!”

“Crass analogy but it’s the best I can do.  Shut up.”  She waved her hand dismissively at her husband who chuckled behind his hand.  Marianne’s occasional feistiness always tickled him.

“It’s not that.  I’ve always wanted a family and Willow is-”

His mother clamped a hand over his mouth and shook her head.  “You can lie to yourself all you want but you’re not going to lie to me.  You’re afraid of love for some reason and I’m not letting you up out of that chair until you admit it.”

He fought it.  Repeatedly he started to argue and then ground his teeth forcing himself to keep quiet.  His mother would surely give up if he just refused to talk.  Her ideas were ludicrous and ridiculous.   Why would he be afraid of love- and besides, he did love Willow and had already admitted it.

Arguing with himself, he finally realized that it was no good.  They’d seen in him something he’d never been willing to acknowledge.  It frightened him to think he was so vulnerable.  “I can’t-” he whispered.

“Just face it Chaddie.  You’re letting some fear paralyze you and it’s going to hurt both of you in the long run.

“Mom- I can’t stand the idea of being in love with someone who doesn’t love me,” he admitted in a rush of words.

“Well it’s not a problem.  Even if Willow never falls madly in love with you, and frankly, I think if you actually tried to win her affections she would, she does love you.  It’s evident from a million sides.  She looks to you for leadership when she doesn’t know what to do; she tries so hard to please you and does it all without losing her own identity.”

“Maybe you should marry her.”

“I would if she was the right gender and I wasn’t already stuck with that old lug!”

“And don’t you forget it Mari.”  Christopher leaned forward, his forearms resting on his knees and his hands clenched.  Chad recognized the ‘this is the only time you’ll hear this from me’ stance.  “Son, you haven’t even given either one of you a chance to fall in love.  You’ll have to try.  You’ll have to show her marked attention, all the way from her appearance to overt flirting.  You should be very good at that.”

“Why?”

“Because you come from two very sappy parents who would love to give you a demonstration of how it’s done if you think it’ll help.”

“No thanks Dad,” Chad insisted.  “I think I get the gist.”

Marianne and Christopher cleared the coffee table of their chocolate mugs and tray and said goodnight to Chad.  “Pray son,” Christopher admonished.  “Pray that you will know not only what the Lord’s will is, but how to act on it.”

Chad did.  He prayed.  For an hour, he poured out his fears, his hopes, and laid them at the Lord’s feet.  He sat with his hands over his head as though protecting himself from a verdict he didn’t want to hear as he meditated on every scripture he could bring to mind.

Cheri saw him from the stairs after she realized he hadn’t gone to bed and crept down beside him.  “When I was in the pit that summer, I thought I would die.  I prayed I would die.  I begged the Lord to release me every day and every day, the Lord said no.”

“How did you know it was no?  Were you hearing voices at that point?”

She stroked his buzzed head and delighted in the familiar prickly feel.  He’d worn his hair buzzed since the day he got his driver’s license.  “I knew it was no when I woke up in the same situation the next morning.”

“Why didn’t you quit praying for it?  Why put yourself through that torture?”

“Because Chad, I knew that it might have been the Lord’s will for me to live another day with the struggles I had but I didn’t want another one unless I had to.”

He turned his head to meet her gaze.  “And I assume there’s a corollary to this?”

“When Jesus prayed for deliverance, He meant it.  I trusted in that every single day that I prayed that same prayer.  I believe with all my heart that His prayer to escape the coming trials was heart-felt and sincere.  He wanted out.  However, if out wasn’t the best, He wanted the strength to endure whatever ‘in’ would bring.

“Chad, your ‘in’ is nothing compared to Golgotha.  Your ‘in’ is the difference between winning the lottery or winning the Publisher’s Clearing House.  One of them will cost you something.  Not much probably, but something.  The other costs next to nothing- a stamp.  Both are huge blessings.  Don’t tear up your winning ticket or your entry just because you wanted to win at slot machines instead.”

“What,” Chad chuckled, “Is with you and mom and the gambling analogies?”

“Well, they fit for one thing,” she explained.  “And we just watched Ocean’s Eleven which might have influenced us a little-”

“Go to bed.  And thanks.”

“Just a hint laddie.”

“Hmm?”

Cheri grinned.  “Save your announcements until after Luke’s wedding.”

“It’ll take that long to get her to agree.”

“Even so,” she began.  “If she says yes tomorrow, wait.  Luke is always in the shadow of those girls and even us.  Let him have this stage moment.  He’s so proud of that family of his.”

“Gotcha.  You’re right.”

Cheri grinned.  “I’m always right.  It’s about time you noticed that.”

“Go to bed.”

Once certain that his family was in bed, Chad turned out the downstairs lights, taking note of all of the mistletoe festooned places in the downstairs area of the house.  He slowly climbed the stairs and quietly opened Willow’s door.  The hall light illuminated her room just enough for him to see the rise and fall of her back as she slept.  He sat on the edge of her bed and prayed for her.

She stirred and rolled over on her other side facing him.  Her hair was unbound and covered her face irritating her as she slept.  Her hands fidgeted around her face trying to push the hairs out of the way until finally, Chad tucked them behind her ears.  The restlessness settled and her breathing grew slow and even again.

With a sigh of resignation and a heart heavy with concern, Chad kissed her temple and left the room closing the door behind him.  “It all sounds so easy when everyone says it but…,” he complained to the Lord.

***

Doors slammed and excited voices squealed.  Suddenly the house was filled with a din that woke Willow from a sound sleep.  She scrambled from her bed and peeked down the stairs.  Aggie’s children.  Why hadn’t she thought about them?  She hadn’t brought anything for them except for Vannie’s dress to be sent back with Luke.  Of course, he’d bring his fiancée to ‘Christmas’ morning with the family.

As quickly as possible, Willow threw on her skirt, sweater, and slippers.  She pulled her hair, a hopeless tangle, into a quick ponytail and hurried to wash her face and brush her teeth.  Chad emerged from his room looking sleepy and grumpy.  “What’s the racket?”

“Aggie’s children just arrived.”

With a bear yawn, Chad hurried to brush his teeth.  “Go hold the baby or something so they’ll gimme a minute to wake up.”

She dodged walking under a sprig of mistletoe hanging from the hall light and hurried down the stairs.  Chad took it as a challenge and though she was unaware of it, the game was afoot and he had every intention of winning.  “Merry Christmas to me!”

Aggie handed Willow a sleepy baby Ian and hurried to corral the littlest twins down in the basement.  Luke piled two plates of food from the breakfast buffet and herded a few more children after her.  “Aunt Marianne, we’re going to keep an eye on the little guys downstairs until Vannie and Laird are through eating.”

“What about the little ones, do you need help fixing plates or something?”

“Everyone but the four of us ate at home.  Blood sugar drops and car rides aren’t fun.”

Willow listened to the discussion as she watched the baby sleep.  He’d been learning to walk the last time he was at her house but hadn’t let go of the furniture.  She wondered if he was bolder now or still holding onto things for stability.  Somehow, that thought reminded her of herself.  Learning to walk in this new world of people and friends but still holding onto the security blankets her mother kept them wrapped in for so many years.

Libby entered knocking and calling out ‘Merry Christmas Year!”

The sight of Willow snuggled in the corner of the couch with baby Ian warmed her heart.  Wrapped in her own little world of baby cheeks and tiny hands, Willow didn’t hear or notice when Libby shoved several packages under an already overloaded tree.

“He’s a sweetie isn’t he?”  Libby’s whisper and the brush of the back of her hand over Ian’s hair caught Willow’s attention.

“Aggie let me hold him.  Wasn’t that nice?  I didn’t know they’d be here or I would have brought- well, something!”

“Can you imagine their house with just a ‘little something’ for each child?  If we all did that, they’d go home with a hundred new things to find places for.  I’m glad you didn’t know and I’m sure that’s why Marianne didn’t tell anyone.”

“But to be opening gifts- how cruel to the children to be left out!”

“They’d be happy for everyone else.  They got their gifts already.  The littlest ones might struggle but I think it’d be good for them frankly.”  At Willow’s shocked face, Libby added, “But don’t worry, they’re just staying for breakfast and then going on over to Zeke’s.”

“So they won’t be here-”

“No.  You can stop devising gifts from thin air now.”

Willow visibly relaxed and sank further into the couch.  “I’ll just sit and hold this little man then.  He snores sometimes.  Isn’t that cute!”

“Looks like someone is ready for a baby or two around her house.”

“If they were all like him, I’d take twenty and have them delivered tomorrow morning.”

Libby’s laughter brought wrinkles to the baby’s brow and he snuggled even more closely to Willow.  “I think you’d find twenty baby boys to be more than even you could handle.”

“I don’t suppose Aggie thinks she has her hands full enough and wants to let him come live with me?”

Chad watched the conversation from the dining room doorway.  He couldn’t hear the words but from the look on Willow’s face, she was enjoying her first ‘baby fix.’  Libby’s expression was indulgent and slightly teasing.  He hoped his aunt would plant a seed in Willow’s mind.  Watching Luke with Aggie’s children and the paternal air it gave him was heartwarming.  Maybe…

“Mom, did you see this?”

Marianne turned from the buffet table and watched the scene before her.  Chad watched Willow as she smoothed the baby’s hair, brushed a cheek, or let the child’s hands curl around her finger.  Libby needed to talk to her.

“Libby, can you help me in the kitchen?”

***

“Are you sure you guys don’t want to come with us?”  Marianne paused and waited for Chad and Willow to answer.

“I don’t think so mom.”

“Thanks Marianne but I don’t think I’d make it until midnight.”

Christopher, carrying two bowls and a plastic sack full of something, urged her out the door.  “Let’s go!  I don’t want to miss the sports blooper reenactment.”

The house settled into a quiet hush once the door closed behind Chad’s parents, Cheri, and Chuck.  Willow leaned her back against the couch and covered her eyes.  “Rough day?”

“I had fun.  Aggie’s children were so much fun.”

“You seemed to enjoy little Ian…”

She nodded with a slight smile hovering about her lips and making her appear as though she had a secret.  ”I loved how he smelled and the way he just seemed to melt into me.  I always dreamed about having two sons.”  She paused.  “Don’t say it.”

“Say what?”

“That if I would just quit being so stubborn, I could have them.”

“I wouldn’t say that, Willow,” Chad whispered.  “I thought I made it clear that I was talking about a marriage with separate bedrooms- at least for a while anyway.”

“Am I that repulsive?  Libby spent half the afternoon telling me how I’m not trusting God and His plan for His creation.  How he made men to need this stuff and I’m just not doing my part-”

“She said what!”

Willow sat brooding over the words Libby had spoken to her.  “You heard me.”

“Yes, but I don’t believe you.  Aunt Libby would not tell a girl it was her duty to marry anyone so he could fill some animalistic urge to feed his own lusts.”

“Well she didn’t say that-” Willow admitted.

“What exactly did she say?”  His heart was heavy.  Chad felt like he’d put Willow through more pain and discomfort to prove himself right.

As Willow struggled to remember Libby’s exact words, she realized that she’d deliberately taken the encouragement and twisted it in her mind to make it into something she could reject.  The realization sickened her.  “Oh Chad.  How despicable.”

“What is?”

“I chose to hear her words so that they’d be repugnant to me.”

He wanted to comfort her.  His first instinct was to move to her side, take her in his arms, and hold her assuring her that people do that when they’re scared or uncertain.  However, seeing this side of her caused him to hesitate.  Perhaps he’d been too eager.

“Aww Willow-”

“I’ve driven a wedge between us.”

“No you haven’t.”

She nodded.  “I did this with Mother once when I thought she was being too stubborn about me going to Rockland with her.  I thought I wanted to see the city-”

“That probably didn’t go over well.”

“I was ugly.  Probably the result of usually getting my way in everything.  Mother was adamant.  I accused her of lying about her attack, that she made trips to see my father and was just keeping me from him.  I can’t think about it without getting sick.”

“Oh Willow.”

“See.  You’re pulling away from me just like she did.”

“I haven’t gone anywhere.”

“No, and a week ago,” she insisted, “You wouldn’t be sitting across the room from me afraid to come near me.”

Chad sighed.  He wasn’t ready for drama.  “What do you want from me?”

“I don’t want anything to change.”

He shifted in his seat uncomfortably and then gestured for her to join him.  “Come here Willow.”

“You’re not going to talk me into-”

“Hush and come here.”

“My you get bossy when you don’t get your way,” she tried to tease as she crossed the room tentatively.

He pulled her to him and realized they just wouldn’t fit in the chair.  Exasperated, he stood, punched the CD player, and began to two-step around the room by himself, his arms empty and awkward looking as they held an imaginary person.  Willow watched for a moment and then finally gave in and asked the obvious question.

“What are you doing?”

“Dancing.”

“But you can’t dance alone.”

“No, but right now, you’re more comfortable dancing with yourself and that leaves me dancing alone too.”

She watched as he held the air and danced around the room in time with the music.  At the end of the song, he made motions as though dipping his partner, which sent Willow into stitches.  “Oh Chad.”

He crossed the room and stood looking down at her.  “One of my favorite movies has a scene where a man describes dancing as a conversation between two people.”  Chad paused before quoting the line directly, “‘Talk to me.’”

Instinctively, Willow knew Chad was communicating more than a request for a dance.  “I’m afraid.”

“I won’t lead you anywhere you aren’t ready to go.”

“Even-”

He held out his hand, his eyes earnestly encouraging her to take it.   “Especially there Willow.  Especially.”

After a moment’s hesitation, Willow stood, placed her hand in his and smiled tentatively.  “Then let’s dance.”

As Chad pulled her to him, an impish glint filled his eyes and he glanced upward.  Willow’s eyes followed and the sight of a sprig of ribbon festooned mistletoe.  Her eyes flew to his face and widened as he leaned in to kiss her.  A nervous giggle escaped when his lips brushed her forehead lightly.

“I told you Willow, nowhere that you’re not ready to go.”